I THOUGHT

Note:
This was a post I’ve written months ago and probably I was that moment in my life that I was reminiscing. And this is what I came up with.

I thought he really liked me.
I thought he loved me.

And if wrong assumptions can kill you, well, I’ve been now killed a thousand times…

I am quite surprised that he will be interested in me. I am sure that I am not his cup of tea – I am not his type of girl. With the looks of him, he’d be betting for the small and cute girls – those who are smaller than him and most probably fair-skinned. Petite is what they call it. If I am to be compared to petite girls, I’d be considered as obese. I am big for a girl, I am sure of that. Taller than most and gets fat just by eating a piece of cake. If I am to be asked why he’d be interested in me? I don’t know. I don’t have any idea.

It’s quite hard to imagine that after all the chances and the times that we are together, it was just nothing. I felt like I was a piece of toy he tried and when he decided that it’s not for him, slowly but surely, he left me out in the cold. Slowly, I was nothing.

I was hurt at that time. I believed that I gave what I had to for the both of us. I just assumed – assumed I was his girlfriend. Maybe that’s the reason why. The reason why he ran and backed out. Maybe he didn’t think that in the short span of time, I’d be falling and he would not be ready.

Yes. We aren’t in a relationship. I plainly assumed and I just think we’d end up in one. I thought… Maybe, maybe I just fell in love in the situation and not in the person. I just felt that I was used and me being the naive person that I am, I just let him.

Even though that I knew already that I am not the only one he is dating, I am not the only one who consumes him, I didn’t mind. I still had hope. Hope that he’ll change his mind and he’d end up to me as the only one. I gave myself another chance to be with him. For what? I have no idea. I didn’t know if it was for him or it was for myself. I believed that maybe it was for me. The reason behind it? I am convinced that this is going to be the last time that I would be happy. I believed that after that and after him, nobody will get interested in me – no one.

Today, we both have separate lives. I haven’t seen in him after that and it’s fine. I’ve moved on and I’ve let go. He is in a relationship now with a girl I know is his type. I am also in one, too. Maybe we are just one chapter in both of our lives that taught us of what we really need and want in life. We are one chapter of each others lives that we will look back and say, ‘what’s meant to be is meant to be…’

I have no regrets. If I have done something wrong, if i’d made a mistake, it cannot be undone. What’s done is done, as they say. This might be a lesson in life or not, still, it was an experience. I’d be confident to say, too, that I was happy at that time… even if the hard truth tells me… I am not enough.