THE THINGS I MUST SAY

Finally, I have admitted it to myself that maybe when there are times that I don’t understand why I am feeling the way that I am feeling is not because I am so stressed or I am in those ‘one’ of the moods as what my friends call it. Maybe because it’s my anxiety is what it is. Maybe it is not because I am an introvert because I know, for sure, that introverts is not equal to anxiety.

While I am writing this piece, I am in the middle of those days when my anxiety plagues the insides of me. Maybe the digestion problem I have been having in the past few days isn’t because I ate too much or I didn’t eat on time. Maybe it’s because I try too hard to hold it in – the extreme irritability that I try not to get the best of me because I don’t want to ruin anything.

In these kinds of days, my boyfriend and I always end up in a misunderstanding. He still doesn’t get and understand me and he isn’t used to having someone who suffers anxiety like me. Maybe, he is slightly overwhelmed by my sudden irritability, my sudden change of moods, my sudden urge to drive him away. His response is usually letting me be and before it gets into him and before he gets mad at me, he keeps quiet and doesn’t talk. And that is the start of how hard it is to get back to him.

These are the things I must say to you and I hope we’ll be in this together – to help me, to make me better on my worst days, to make you stronger when I am in my weakest…

1. I know that this is not what you signed up for. I hope you won’t leave me if I am having a tough time fighting it.
2. I am opening myself to you. Please don’t be afraid of me – of my rough days and the rougher ones, too.
3. I am only sharing this to you because I know that you will understand me and you won’t think that my mental problems will defeat me.
4. Know that I have suicidal thoughts but never make it to tendencies. Believe me when I say it never lead to me harming myself.
5. It’s hard to explain why I feel the way I feel in certain days but know that on these days, I need hugs. The tight ones – the ones that will make me feel I am loved and the ones that will ease the hardship away.
6. Staying away from me is the hardest thing but if it makes you feel better, I would give it to you.
7. If I stay silent one of these days, please don’t get irritated. Please be my comfort amid the silence.
8. Please don’t tell me to snap out of it. It’s hard already. Please don’t make it harder.
9. Know that I always think that I am not worth loving. A kiss and a hug or maybe a smile from you in my rough days will make it slightly better.
10. And please know and believe that I am trying my very very best to fight those days when I am at my weakest.

Loving you is easy. Loving me is hard. If everything is terrifying for you, please know that after all the rough days, I am going to love you harder, kiss you deeper, hug you tighter and dream with you higher.